Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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