Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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