sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
