You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
