new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
