Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
