I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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