I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
