just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
