Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
