god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
