alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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