We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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