Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
