He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
