The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
