His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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