When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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