I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
