Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Come share oat with me in your robe
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
