I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
