took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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