The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
