fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
