still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
