I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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