Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
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do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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