I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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