my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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