A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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