The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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