There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My pussy is not your playground.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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