The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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