Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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