Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My ATM looks so different sober.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
