I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
