i wish my penis had a tongue
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
