He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
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