So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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