How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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