I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
