Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Boobs speak an international language.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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