This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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