Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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