dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
