I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
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I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
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I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.