Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."