I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
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I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
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This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains