Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
