I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
