if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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