The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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