I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
