bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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