I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
