The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
