My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
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