i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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